Did you see that status update??

I'm down 29 pounds!! That's 1 pound away from my first goal! I wanted to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday!! I wonder how much more I'll be able to lose by my 30th birthday?!? I'm so excited!

Work Out Examples

So Month 1 went something like this:

Upper Body Day-

1. Chair Dips
2. Sit Ups on a Balance Ball
3. Push Ups

I'd do 15 of each one then I'd repeat that 2 more times for a total of 3 sets. (And I had to work up to that 15!)

Then I'd do 60 minutes of cardio on my treadmill. I'd have it set at max incline at 2.5mph with a 2 minute warm up and 2 minute cool down.

Lower Body Day-

1. Forward Lunges
2. Sit Ups on a Balance Ball
3. Calf Raises

Again, 15 of each, 3 times. Oh but that's 15 PER LEG on the Lunges and Calf Raises...

And, again, I'd follow up with the exact same cardio.

**********

Now Month 2 is going something like this:

Lower Body Day-

1. Reverse Sit Ups on a Balance Ball
2. Leg Lifts
3. Side Crunches-30 of these total
4. Lunges out to the side

Same as before, 15-15-15 (per leg on Leg Lifts and Lunges out to the side) , repeat 3 times.

Cardio changed up a bit. Now it's more like 60-75 minutes on the treadmill. No incline. And I adjust the mph at all different time intervals. One day might look like this:

5 minutes 3.0 mph
5 minutes 3.5 mph
2 minutes 4.0 mph
5 minutes 3.5 mph
5 minutes 3.0 mph
2 minutes 5.0 mph
5 minutes 3.0 mph
1 minute rest

(REPEAT for a total of 60-75 minutes)

Lower Body Day-

1. Arm Rows using Stretchy Bands
2. Standing Abs-30 of these (almost like doing a standing bicycle)
3. Tricep Extentions using Stretchy Bands
4. Standing Abs Side Crunch-30 of these (arms at your sides, bend sideways at the waist)

3 Sets of 15 reps each (per arm on these), same as before

Then Cardio this day would be more like 75 minutes of cardio on the treadmill with no incline and speed set at these intervals:

10 minutes 3.0 mph
10 minutes 4.0 mph
10 minutes 3.0 mph
2 minutes 4.0 mph
2 minutes 3.0 mph
2 minutes 5.0 mph
2 minutes 4.0 mph
2 minutes 3.0 mph
10 minutes 4.0 mph
10-20 minutes 3.0 mph

And yes, I always do a warm up and cool down, and stretching. Stretching is a must! And water too! So the main thing is to keep your body guessing. I love how no matter what I'm doing it's a challenge for my body. Some work outs may seem simple, some may not, but I know they all kick my butt. Is this all clear as mud? If you don't know what a certain work out is, let me know, I will try to describe it a little better. Wish I had pictures but I don't. And I definitely enjoy the work out part more than the cardio at this stage. My lungs are just out of shape. Blah. I also love how Boot Camp/BC taught me so many moves I can do just using body weight or regular household items instead of free weights or awkward equipment (if you've ever seen Biggest Loser we did a ton of the exact same moves that they do on the show, just without the yelling/screaming trainer). I want to make a point of doing as many things without the aid of gym membership as possible....not that there's anything wrong with a gym, I just need to not rely on a gym for myself right now. Another goal....

A day in the life of...

Here's a couple days worth of my "foraging". Again, I'm no expert, and I'm really rather boring about what I eat. I tend to like to eat the same things on a regular basis so you may see a couple of things repeating themselves.

Day 1:

Coffee
Cereal + Almond Milk
Broccoli Cheese Soup
Mixed Steamed Veggies
Chicken + Cheese Enchiladas
Vanilla Yogurt + Walnuts + Cinnamon/Sugar (I know, I know)

Day 2:

Coffee
Scrambled Eggs + Veggies + Cheese
Tomato Basil Soup
Edamame
Broccoli Cheese Soup
CHOCOLATE!! (Again....I know)

Day 3:

Coffee
Cereal + Almond Milk
Broccoli Cheese Soup
Apple Chai Tea (mmmmm!)
Lasagna
Bread + Butter

So, yea, I'm not perfect, clearly. And I am pretty predictable, but I love what I love. Works for me. Some days are better than others. But on average I'm munching on something like every 3 hours or so. If you are interested in the whole "foraging" thing, just plug in foods that would work for you. One thing that I have definitely noticed is that I have waaaay more energy, which is AWESOME! And when I keep a steady amount of food in my system, I crave sweet stuff waaaay less. For the critics out there, I used to eat something sweet all day long, part of every meal and snacks in between (my sisters were witnesses), so THIS is progress. Haha!

What's working for me?

Well let's see...

Food:

Of course, I'm watching what I eat. No more mindless eating. I don't eat to fix a bad mood either. Though I do still start my day with a Coffee (or "Coff" as my sisters and I call it). I eat constantly throughout the day. I'm sure that my way isn't perfect and it may not work for everyone. I still have plenty of tweaking to do. But at least what I am doing has helped me get this far and it's helping my metabolism get back on track. I never really liked the idea of sitting down to 3 big meals a day anyhow. This way is more like "foraging", keeping a steady, smaller amount of food in your system. It's not probably ideal what I eat. But as I've said before, it's baby steps. The steps I've taken have done well for me even if they aren't ideal. I mean, I loosely keep track of calories in my head as the day goes on. I keep portion sizes small of course. But I don't, at this point, make sure it's the more "balanced" type of meal with like a protein/carb/fat or whatever type of meal. I'll get to that later. It's a goal. (And I don't beat myself up if I eat a piece of cake at a birthday party. I'm not going to fool myself, at this stage of the game, into thinking I can be perfect. Give yourself some slack every now and then. Just be reasonable.)

Exercise:

And as far as working out, I change it up every month. After about 4-6 weeks your body gets used to whatever routine you've established so you have to change it up to keep your body challenged. The first month my routine wasn't too fancy. I started slow cause I didn't want to overwhelm myself and burn out. I'm on my second month of the work out and I stepped it up a notch. Now I switch from a list of things to do for lower body one day and a list of things to do for upper body the next. I'm not working out on the weekends really. Only if I happen to miss a day during the week. But again, it's a goal. (And, no, I don't beat myself up if I miss a day of working out. The end result is that I AM working out. It IS a part of my life. It's a new lifestyle, a new habit. I'll work out the next day. It's not going to discourage me or get me off track. Keep it in perspective people.)

***The most important thing, I think, is to do what works for you. Everyone is different. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Don't try to do what someone else does just because it sounds good. Listen to your body. Your body will try and tell you what it is capable of. I'm no expert, though I hope to be one day. I just really did a lot of trial and error and tried to find what worked best for me. If I had all the money in the world, I know, for me personally, Boot Camp/BC would have been the way for me to go. There's people there to encourage you, there's friendly competition, and you've got a knowledgeable trainer there showing you what you need to do and holding you accountable. But since I can't afford that right now, I had to really do some soul searching to do it all on my own. I pulled from what I learned in BC to use for my current work outs, and that helps a ton. But it was really just about me deciding enough is enough. No more excuses. I decided I have no choice but to suck it up and depend on myself, not anyone else, to get me where I need to be. And that's what we all need to do, eventually get to a place where you don't have to depend on anyone else to keep you fit, as your end goal. But at first, if you need BC, go to BC. Or if you need to work out with a friend, work out with a friend. Whatever you need to do, just do it. Just do something. Something is always better than nothing. You have to care enough about yourself to do the work and ignore any lazy tendencies or excuses. I'm no saint. I don't love working out, another goal I'm working on, but I do it anyhow. There's been plenty of times where I've been angry with my treadmill. I've shouted at it, stomped on it, thrown a little fit, even prayed for God to help me get through it. But I kept going and didn't give up. I got myself into this mess and I'm the only one who can get me out of it. Be angry if it'll help you deal with it. It's tough starting out, but just don't quit!

I'll post examples of my food/work out next. The end message here is this, for the love of all that is healthy,

j u s t   d o   s o m e t h i n g !

My Inspiration

I know that God has given me the tools to succeed. He has given me the ability to pull myself out of this pit. I've had the answers all along. I just had to stop making excuses and start believing the truth. He will strengthen me on my journey. I am following His lead every step of the way. I know that I will succeed. At times I still need encouragement. Here's some of the things I have found/read that have helped me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
Philippians 4:13

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a song of praise. Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
Isaiah 41:10


And also, these tidbits of truth I've recieved from countless emails, for when I need to be honest with myself....

...sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel...

...no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt me every once in a while and I must forgive them for that...

...it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be...

...I CAN keep going long after I think I can't...

...I am responsible for what I do, no matter how I feel...

...either I control my attitude or it controls me...

...maturity has more to do with what types of experiences I've had, and what I've learned from them...and less to do with how many birthdays I've celebrated...

...it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, I have to learn to forgive myself...

...no matter how bad my heart is broken the world doesn't stop for my grief...

...my background and circumstances may have influenced who I am, but I am responsible for who I have become...and who I am yet to be...

...my life can be changed in a matter of hours by people I don't even know...


And some famous quotes I've stumbled upon that inspire me...

--"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone." (This encapsulates the theme of this site, it's my life's anthem right now.)
–-Orison Swett Marden

--“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”
--Anthony Robbins

--“Discontent is the first step in progress. No one knows what is in him till he tries, and many would never try if they were not forced to."
–-Basil Maturin

--"You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving."
–-St. Francis de Sales

--"Since no one is perfect, it follows that all great deeds have been accomplished out of imperfection. Yet they were accomplished, somehow, all the same."
–-Lois McMaster Bujold

--"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."
–-Eleanor Roosevelt

--"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
–-Lao-Tzu

--"All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."
--Dorothea Brande

--"Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best."
–-Henry Van Dyke

--"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."
–-Anna Quindlen

--"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
--T.S. Eliot

--"Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over."
–-F. Scott Fitzgerald

--"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear."
–-Mark Twain

--"Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight."
–-Helen Keller

--"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
–-Aristotle

--"Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use."
–-Ruth Gordon

--"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be."
–-Groucho Marx

--"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
–-Wayne Gretsky

--"Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome."
–-Samuel Johnson

--"Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more."
–-Louis L'Amour

--"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
–-Theodore Seuss Giesel

--"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
--Albert Einstein

And I'll end with this, my favorite quote...

"Heal the wounds, but leave the scars Lord God, that I may never forget your hand of grace and mercy in my life."

What I want to accomplish....(you made it through the long post!)

I've been toying with the idea of being a personal trainer for some time now. It started back when I was in Boot Camp/BC. If my trainer could do it, so could I. It's only been till now that I can see it actually happening though. I'd love to be able to inspire someone, or help them with their own journey one day. I know I'm already encouraging my family to jump on the fitness bandwagon, and my Bible Study ladies, and my friends. It feels good to feel like I can actually help someone. Many great things can come of this. But first things first....who wants an overweight personal trainer?

In my current condition I still might not inspire an onlooker. I know I'd have my own doubts if my personal trainer didn't necessarily 'look the part,' you know? I want to be taken seriously. I want to look as if I know what I'm talking about. But I figure it'll take me a while to get through all the studying and the whole certification process and meanwhile I can be continuing to lose weight and tone up. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone, so to speak.

The last photos I have of myself where I'd say I could be somewhat 'comfortable' with myself again were at around 120-125 lbs and right now I'm 13-18 lbs away from that. So it is my goal to at least be there by the time I'm certified as a trainer, which I haven't even started yet. I think it's a reasonable goal to shoot for.

What I want by my birthday is to be comfortable enough with myself to actually be in pictures on my big day. I recently realized that my son barely has any photos of he and I together over the last 6 years of his life. I refused to get in front of the camera. I can count up the small handful of family Christmas photos taken almost every year and then one time I took professional photos with my son when he was a year old, and maybe just a couple of random photos early on. And that's it!! How awful is that?? I have this fear that one day my son will say, "Mama, where were you the first 6 years of my life?" It's sad, but true, I was absent from life for 6 years. But, hey, I said I'm stubborn right? And I'm a slow learner. All I can say is that I'm moving forward and I'm blazing a new path. I'm going to be present for my son, my husband, myself, and my loved ones.

It's new territory for me folks, and I'm learning as I go. I'm looking for whatever encouragement I can find for now so that one day, maybe I can be the one doing the encouraging.

And by the way, I finally took a picture with my son the other day for the first time in years and it was nice to not be afraid of a silly little camera. My son is more important to me than a silly little hang up of mine.

More pictures...

Since that last post was so lengthy, I decided to add photos to another post.

Here's photos of me a few months before I got pregnant, me sporting the baby bump just 6 short years ago, and me about 2 months after my son was born.

How I got here....(it's a long story)

I was always 98 lbs as long as I can remember. It's the way my mom was, and my grandmother. It was one of those things where I had no control over how much I weighed. I wanted to weigh more, and believe me I tried, but I was just stuck at 98 lbs. I actually got made fun of, as if it was my fault I weighed 98 lbs. People would joke and say, "Oh, that must be tough weighing all of 98 lbs," or "Oh I wish I had you're problems." It did hurt my feelings at the time, seeing as I was already self-conscious enough. The thing I lacked though, was seeing it from their point of view. I'd always seen other people struggle with weight but never experienced it. I even watched my mom and grandmother, former 98 pounders, now struggle with their weight. But oddly enough, I never thought I'd be that way. I was naive.

It wasn't until I had my son, at the age of 23, that I began to see what it was like to struggle with weight. Being the naive person I was, I actually believed people when they said I'd lose all the baby weight so easy and fit right back into my old clothes. I think I must have believed the weight would literally come off on its own. I gained about 40 lbs when I was pregnant (9 lbs, 5 ozs of it was baby....yes, you read that right), stretching my skin to its limit. I gained almost all of it in my belly for some odd reason. The last time I measured my belly it was over 40 inches around. The belly was stretched so thin that if I scratched it, it would bleed. Still haven't quite recovered from that. ;-)

Of course I lost the water weight, amniotic whathaveyou, and the big bundle of baby in my belly, but I was left with about 12-15 lbs of weight that didn't fall off magically. (Surprise!) Now, believe me, looking back I realize I really had nothing to complain about. Oh but hindsight is 20/20. If only I knew then, what I know now. But for me and my low self-esteem, 15 lbs was the end of the world. I dove right into all this self-loathing that was super unhealthy. And depression set in. It was a not a good time in my life for sure. About 6 months after my son was born a friend advised me to see a doctor for the depression. Thankfully I listened to her and started on some antidepressants. (I'm not advocating antidepressants/AD, in fact I don't like them myself-all I can say is, at the time, it was the best choice for me.) The AD were not a cure all by any means, and I found myself 'eating my feelings' for the first time in my life. It was as if I believed what I ate was the only thing in my life I could control. Apparently though, that good ol' healthy metabolism of mine was long gone. I've joked about it saying, "Pregnancy broke my metabolism." But truthfully it wasn't about the pregnancy, it was about me being immature, naive, and irresponsible with my body.

It's now been 6 years and I've steadily gained over 10 lbs a year! About a year after having my son my eating habits actually got worse. It's almost like I thought, "Well the weight isn't coming off by itself (duh!)so what the heck, I'll just eat whatever I want since there's no turning back now." Yes....yes, it was stupid of me. That hindsight I mentioned, now crystal clear, if only I'd realized how much easier it would have been to lose 15 lbs instead of 65+ I'd have done it back then! But I had some growing up (and out!) to do. Like a lot of people, I'm a stubborn person who has a hard time listening to what other people tell me to do, instead I've got to live it out and learn from it on my own to gain the first-hand personal experience from it, in order to appreciate it. I know, I know, I aggravate MYSELF sometimes with this.

In January 2007 I was finally upset with myself enough to do something about it. I went to a ladies fitness "Booty" Camp/BC (as I call it)that was owned by a friend of the family. The owner went through a struggle with weight herself, joined a BC, lost the weight, and was inspired to start helping others. I thought, if she could do it, I can do it. So I was off to the races. It was the hardest work I've EVER done. I remember very clearly sweating more than I had ever sweat in my life, and several instances where I had to stop myself from puking.

Unfortunately BC costs money, and when the recession first hit, BC was the first thing that had to go. A year went by, I gained back what little I lost, plus 10 lbs. Then in January 2009 I was able to start at BC again because I had saved up for it over my year long break from some odd jobs I did. So I worked hard, again. Sweat my butt off, again. And nearly puked, again. I saw some serious muscle gains for the first time in my life. I felt powerful. I felt unstoppable. Then....you guessed it, the money ran out, again. See, I had expected, naively, to be able to get back in shape before that savings of mine ran out. The problem was, I also thought I'd be able to get away with not doing any cardio on the side, and also still eating whatever I wanted. I thought surely with as hard as I was working out the rest would just take care of itself. So, again, I gained the weight back and then some. This time it only took me 6 months to put on about 25 lbs!

In the Fall of 2009, being at 165, the heaviest I've ever been, and being able to fit into my husband's clothes, I had had enough. I joined a ladies Bible Study and part of it was dedicated to improving your health so we all held each other accountable, encouraged/motivated one another, and each week we'd track any weight losses. My progress started slow. I simply changed my eating habits (no, I was not 'dieting'). I cut waaaay back on junk food and I no longer went to food to fix a bad mood. I became active. I went from being sedentary on my couch to working in a Christmas store the Hubs and I opened up. I don't think a day went by at the store where I had a moment to sit down. And time went by so fast. I was having fun, doing what I love, and I couldn't get enough of it. (If you didn't happen to guess, I'm a little coo-coo for Christmas!) Then Thanksgiving rolled around. I happened to buy a scale, hadn't had one in years, and I actually decided to weigh myself. I was down 17 lbs!! I nearly fell over. I didn't expect it. I could hardly believe it. I got right back on the scale and check it again, and again, just to see if it was correct. I checked it several times a day for several days just to see if it was still the same. It didn't change. I really lost 17 lbs. The incredible thing was, I had forgotten I was trying to lose weight. I was so busy during the Christmas season having fun that I didn't notice what was happening. You'd think I'd have noticed my clothes fitting differently but I didn't.

I decided to tell my family about it just because I needed some encouragement one day. I didn't figure anything further would happen. Then Christmas came around. I kind of blew off the weight loss assuming, with my luck, it was just some fluke thing. I happened to weigh myself again before Christmas out of curiosity. It said I'd lost 20 lbs! I couldn't believe it. So this time I told my family AND my friends. I was still a little cautious and hesitant in believing it. I wanted to keep holding my breath. I thought surely there was a catch, something I'd missed. It was just too good to be true. I didn't want another disappointment. I didn't want to get my hopes up, and everyone else's for that matter, just to fail again. So I remained reserved about it. I was thankful! But I was still holding my breath.

Then after New Year's, again, I crept onto the scale, crossing my fingers...23 lbs!! What?!? I had to be seeing things. This time I was excited. I couldn't help it. Was whatever I was doing actually working?? Some people might think, "Of course it was working silly!!" But I had NEVER lost that kind of weight before. I mean, before having my son I was consistently 98 lbs. Never had to guess. It was just always the same, unwavering. Once I had my son, the weight that came off, I didn't even consider that to be fat. As I mentioned above, 'water weight, amniotic whathaveyou, and the big bundle of baby' wasn't the problem, it was the 12-15 lbs that remained that was the problem and I never lost it. I only gained weight from there. And BOTH times I was in BC I lost a maximum of like 12 lbs. So 23 lbs was an astonishing accomplishment for me. This was new territory for me folks. Even though I still kind of felt like I was dreaming, I was too excited to keep it to myself. I exhaled....and I told EVERYONE!

Now since I told everyone I felt compelled to continue to live up to it. The ball was already rolling anyhow. No turning back. No more excuses. And I've got a 30th birthday coming up in April. Now it's a little less than 2 months away. So I decided to step it up a notch by adding cardio and weight training in. That's a big step for me folks. I'd never had the guts to really work out on my own before. I never had the drive or ambition, nor did I ever believe in myself enough to do it. I was always crippled by a ridiculous fear of failure. But this time something was different. I had the perspective now to know where I'd been and the knowledge that I never wanted to return to that place in my life again, and the feeling of accomplishment that comes from losing weight all on your own. As I had said many times in the past, doing something is always better than nothing at all. So now I'm weight training for 30 minutes 3-5 times a week. And I'm doing interval cardio 3-5 times a week. Yes I should probably be doing more cardio...but for now it's baby steps. (If you want more detail on what I'm currently doing let me know.)

Now it's been 5 weeks of working out/cardio and I have experienced my first plateau. I was feeling discouraged so I sought advice from a couple of ladies I know that have tremendous success stories. One of them has her own website that you can check out. And both of these ladies have given me so much inspiration and encouragement that I've gotten up the courage to make my own site and see where it takes me. One day at a time.

Where I'm at right now...

I've lost 27 lbs! I feel great! I find myself bouncing around the house like a tremendous weight (literally) has been lifted off of me. I'm confident, for the first time in a long time, that I will not return to my former self. I can and will succeed, I know that with certainty, I just don't know how long it will take. I can actually see the 'light at the end of the tunnel' and it is shining bright! I've got about 22-28 lbs to go, right at my halfway point, and I can't wait to get closer to that goal! Here's a photo of me taken just a week or two ago.



People say my face isn't as puffy, double chin is shrinking, and (though you can't tell by this picture) I don't have the bags under my eyes anymore. I don't necessarily see the difference myself, though I'm my own worst critic and I'm wearing a loose shirt (which is what I'm used to hiding in). When I get up the courage I'll take pictures with form fitting clothes which would help I'm sure.

Disclaimer:

So....I'm a little nervous about putting myself out there for everyone to see, but it's something I want to do anyhow because it's a step in the right direction for me. I feel very vulnerable right now. I'm normally an open book. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Generally I talk too much to begin with. But there's something about the whole theme of this site I created that's a bit unnerving.

A lot of people I know, haven't seen me in a long time. I stayed out of photos that they might see. Some I've avoided going to visit in person. My Facebook and MySpace photos are an outdated picture. Instead I posted one of the last ones where I felt okay about myself. I feel a little guilty about that. I feel like I'm now a part of the stigma that follows every person who's struggled with weight. And I'm too prideful about it. My self-worth I've let be tied to my weight. I feel as if I've let every person in my immediate family down. I feel like they think less of me. Clearly I haven't shown them that I'm a strong individual with the kind of person I had turned into. And since I feel like I've let down the people that are closest to me, I couldn't bear also showing people who hadn't seen me since I'd gained weight, see me like this as well. It's like it made me feel better to be able to "fool" at least some of the people I know. It's like admitting failure and I don't like to fail. I don't like to admit defeat and quit. The less than glamorous pictures of me at my heaviest represent a time of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-loathing in my life. I don't like seeing them. I don't like even admitting that they exist. But unfortunately I have to face my past so I can get over my past. The new me is trying to be more humble. I'm moving forward. And part of moving forward is accepting my past for better or worse. So I'm putting my story out there as part of my own healing process.

I'm not a great speaker/writer, so bear with me. I just know how to tell it like it is. So I will do that. I will be the open and honest person that I've always been no matter what. And I'll try to keep in mind that at the very least, this is all just free therapy for me. :-)

So here goes nothin....this is me at the start of my journey at 165 lbs in September of 2009....