How I got here....(it's a long story)

I was always 98 lbs as long as I can remember. It's the way my mom was, and my grandmother. It was one of those things where I had no control over how much I weighed. I wanted to weigh more, and believe me I tried, but I was just stuck at 98 lbs. I actually got made fun of, as if it was my fault I weighed 98 lbs. People would joke and say, "Oh, that must be tough weighing all of 98 lbs," or "Oh I wish I had you're problems." It did hurt my feelings at the time, seeing as I was already self-conscious enough. The thing I lacked though, was seeing it from their point of view. I'd always seen other people struggle with weight but never experienced it. I even watched my mom and grandmother, former 98 pounders, now struggle with their weight. But oddly enough, I never thought I'd be that way. I was naive.

It wasn't until I had my son, at the age of 23, that I began to see what it was like to struggle with weight. Being the naive person I was, I actually believed people when they said I'd lose all the baby weight so easy and fit right back into my old clothes. I think I must have believed the weight would literally come off on its own. I gained about 40 lbs when I was pregnant (9 lbs, 5 ozs of it was baby....yes, you read that right), stretching my skin to its limit. I gained almost all of it in my belly for some odd reason. The last time I measured my belly it was over 40 inches around. The belly was stretched so thin that if I scratched it, it would bleed. Still haven't quite recovered from that. ;-)

Of course I lost the water weight, amniotic whathaveyou, and the big bundle of baby in my belly, but I was left with about 12-15 lbs of weight that didn't fall off magically. (Surprise!) Now, believe me, looking back I realize I really had nothing to complain about. Oh but hindsight is 20/20. If only I knew then, what I know now. But for me and my low self-esteem, 15 lbs was the end of the world. I dove right into all this self-loathing that was super unhealthy. And depression set in. It was a not a good time in my life for sure. About 6 months after my son was born a friend advised me to see a doctor for the depression. Thankfully I listened to her and started on some antidepressants. (I'm not advocating antidepressants/AD, in fact I don't like them myself-all I can say is, at the time, it was the best choice for me.) The AD were not a cure all by any means, and I found myself 'eating my feelings' for the first time in my life. It was as if I believed what I ate was the only thing in my life I could control. Apparently though, that good ol' healthy metabolism of mine was long gone. I've joked about it saying, "Pregnancy broke my metabolism." But truthfully it wasn't about the pregnancy, it was about me being immature, naive, and irresponsible with my body.

It's now been 6 years and I've steadily gained over 10 lbs a year! About a year after having my son my eating habits actually got worse. It's almost like I thought, "Well the weight isn't coming off by itself (duh!)so what the heck, I'll just eat whatever I want since there's no turning back now." Yes....yes, it was stupid of me. That hindsight I mentioned, now crystal clear, if only I'd realized how much easier it would have been to lose 15 lbs instead of 65+ I'd have done it back then! But I had some growing up (and out!) to do. Like a lot of people, I'm a stubborn person who has a hard time listening to what other people tell me to do, instead I've got to live it out and learn from it on my own to gain the first-hand personal experience from it, in order to appreciate it. I know, I know, I aggravate MYSELF sometimes with this.

In January 2007 I was finally upset with myself enough to do something about it. I went to a ladies fitness "Booty" Camp/BC (as I call it)that was owned by a friend of the family. The owner went through a struggle with weight herself, joined a BC, lost the weight, and was inspired to start helping others. I thought, if she could do it, I can do it. So I was off to the races. It was the hardest work I've EVER done. I remember very clearly sweating more than I had ever sweat in my life, and several instances where I had to stop myself from puking.

Unfortunately BC costs money, and when the recession first hit, BC was the first thing that had to go. A year went by, I gained back what little I lost, plus 10 lbs. Then in January 2009 I was able to start at BC again because I had saved up for it over my year long break from some odd jobs I did. So I worked hard, again. Sweat my butt off, again. And nearly puked, again. I saw some serious muscle gains for the first time in my life. I felt powerful. I felt unstoppable. Then....you guessed it, the money ran out, again. See, I had expected, naively, to be able to get back in shape before that savings of mine ran out. The problem was, I also thought I'd be able to get away with not doing any cardio on the side, and also still eating whatever I wanted. I thought surely with as hard as I was working out the rest would just take care of itself. So, again, I gained the weight back and then some. This time it only took me 6 months to put on about 25 lbs!

In the Fall of 2009, being at 165, the heaviest I've ever been, and being able to fit into my husband's clothes, I had had enough. I joined a ladies Bible Study and part of it was dedicated to improving your health so we all held each other accountable, encouraged/motivated one another, and each week we'd track any weight losses. My progress started slow. I simply changed my eating habits (no, I was not 'dieting'). I cut waaaay back on junk food and I no longer went to food to fix a bad mood. I became active. I went from being sedentary on my couch to working in a Christmas store the Hubs and I opened up. I don't think a day went by at the store where I had a moment to sit down. And time went by so fast. I was having fun, doing what I love, and I couldn't get enough of it. (If you didn't happen to guess, I'm a little coo-coo for Christmas!) Then Thanksgiving rolled around. I happened to buy a scale, hadn't had one in years, and I actually decided to weigh myself. I was down 17 lbs!! I nearly fell over. I didn't expect it. I could hardly believe it. I got right back on the scale and check it again, and again, just to see if it was correct. I checked it several times a day for several days just to see if it was still the same. It didn't change. I really lost 17 lbs. The incredible thing was, I had forgotten I was trying to lose weight. I was so busy during the Christmas season having fun that I didn't notice what was happening. You'd think I'd have noticed my clothes fitting differently but I didn't.

I decided to tell my family about it just because I needed some encouragement one day. I didn't figure anything further would happen. Then Christmas came around. I kind of blew off the weight loss assuming, with my luck, it was just some fluke thing. I happened to weigh myself again before Christmas out of curiosity. It said I'd lost 20 lbs! I couldn't believe it. So this time I told my family AND my friends. I was still a little cautious and hesitant in believing it. I wanted to keep holding my breath. I thought surely there was a catch, something I'd missed. It was just too good to be true. I didn't want another disappointment. I didn't want to get my hopes up, and everyone else's for that matter, just to fail again. So I remained reserved about it. I was thankful! But I was still holding my breath.

Then after New Year's, again, I crept onto the scale, crossing my fingers...23 lbs!! What?!? I had to be seeing things. This time I was excited. I couldn't help it. Was whatever I was doing actually working?? Some people might think, "Of course it was working silly!!" But I had NEVER lost that kind of weight before. I mean, before having my son I was consistently 98 lbs. Never had to guess. It was just always the same, unwavering. Once I had my son, the weight that came off, I didn't even consider that to be fat. As I mentioned above, 'water weight, amniotic whathaveyou, and the big bundle of baby' wasn't the problem, it was the 12-15 lbs that remained that was the problem and I never lost it. I only gained weight from there. And BOTH times I was in BC I lost a maximum of like 12 lbs. So 23 lbs was an astonishing accomplishment for me. This was new territory for me folks. Even though I still kind of felt like I was dreaming, I was too excited to keep it to myself. I exhaled....and I told EVERYONE!

Now since I told everyone I felt compelled to continue to live up to it. The ball was already rolling anyhow. No turning back. No more excuses. And I've got a 30th birthday coming up in April. Now it's a little less than 2 months away. So I decided to step it up a notch by adding cardio and weight training in. That's a big step for me folks. I'd never had the guts to really work out on my own before. I never had the drive or ambition, nor did I ever believe in myself enough to do it. I was always crippled by a ridiculous fear of failure. But this time something was different. I had the perspective now to know where I'd been and the knowledge that I never wanted to return to that place in my life again, and the feeling of accomplishment that comes from losing weight all on your own. As I had said many times in the past, doing something is always better than nothing at all. So now I'm weight training for 30 minutes 3-5 times a week. And I'm doing interval cardio 3-5 times a week. Yes I should probably be doing more cardio...but for now it's baby steps. (If you want more detail on what I'm currently doing let me know.)

Now it's been 5 weeks of working out/cardio and I have experienced my first plateau. I was feeling discouraged so I sought advice from a couple of ladies I know that have tremendous success stories. One of them has her own website that you can check out. And both of these ladies have given me so much inspiration and encouragement that I've gotten up the courage to make my own site and see where it takes me. One day at a time.