So....I'm a little nervous about putting myself out there for everyone to see, but it's something I want to do anyhow because it's a step in the right direction for me. I feel very vulnerable right now. I'm normally an open book. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Generally I talk too much to begin with. But there's something about the whole theme of this site I created that's a bit unnerving.
A lot of people I know, haven't seen me in a long time. I stayed out of photos that they might see. Some I've avoided going to visit in person. My Facebook and MySpace photos are an outdated picture. Instead I posted one of the last ones where I felt okay about myself. I feel a little guilty about that. I feel like I'm now a part of the stigma that follows every person who's struggled with weight. And I'm too prideful about it. My self-worth I've let be tied to my weight. I feel as if I've let every person in my immediate family down. I feel like they think less of me. Clearly I haven't shown them that I'm a strong individual with the kind of person I had turned into. And since I feel like I've let down the people that are closest to me, I couldn't bear also showing people who hadn't seen me since I'd gained weight, see me like this as well. It's like it made me feel better to be able to "fool" at least some of the people I know. It's like admitting failure and I don't like to fail. I don't like to admit defeat and quit. The less than glamorous pictures of me at my heaviest represent a time of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-loathing in my life. I don't like seeing them. I don't like even admitting that they exist. But unfortunately I have to face my past so I can get over my past. The new me is trying to be more humble. I'm moving forward. And part of moving forward is accepting my past for better or worse. So I'm putting my story out there as part of my own healing process.
I'm not a great speaker/writer, so bear with me. I just know how to tell it like it is. So I will do that. I will be the open and honest person that I've always been no matter what. And I'll try to keep in mind that at the very least, this is all just free therapy for me. :-)
So here goes nothin....this is me at the start of my journey at 165 lbs in September of 2009....
A lot of people I know, haven't seen me in a long time. I stayed out of photos that they might see. Some I've avoided going to visit in person. My Facebook and MySpace photos are an outdated picture. Instead I posted one of the last ones where I felt okay about myself. I feel a little guilty about that. I feel like I'm now a part of the stigma that follows every person who's struggled with weight. And I'm too prideful about it. My self-worth I've let be tied to my weight. I feel as if I've let every person in my immediate family down. I feel like they think less of me. Clearly I haven't shown them that I'm a strong individual with the kind of person I had turned into. And since I feel like I've let down the people that are closest to me, I couldn't bear also showing people who hadn't seen me since I'd gained weight, see me like this as well. It's like it made me feel better to be able to "fool" at least some of the people I know. It's like admitting failure and I don't like to fail. I don't like to admit defeat and quit. The less than glamorous pictures of me at my heaviest represent a time of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-loathing in my life. I don't like seeing them. I don't like even admitting that they exist. But unfortunately I have to face my past so I can get over my past. The new me is trying to be more humble. I'm moving forward. And part of moving forward is accepting my past for better or worse. So I'm putting my story out there as part of my own healing process.
I'm not a great speaker/writer, so bear with me. I just know how to tell it like it is. So I will do that. I will be the open and honest person that I've always been no matter what. And I'll try to keep in mind that at the very least, this is all just free therapy for me. :-)
So here goes nothin....this is me at the start of my journey at 165 lbs in September of 2009....
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